This is how I know god hates me: because all I want in life is love, yet love is the only thing I fear. This juxtaposition is the root of all of my problems and why I’m such a fucking disaster of a person. I sabotage anything good that comes into my life at the slightest sign of conflict in an effort to protect myself from the very thing I want; love.
The most fucked up part about being the most sensitive person in the whole world is that it accidentally makes me the most ruthless person in the whole world, and it’s totally by accident. I’m just so terrified of getting hurt that I become a vicious monster from hell, determined to protect myself at all costs from absolutely anything that could go wrong. Because honestly, the stakes are higher for sensitive people like me. When a normal person gets hurt, they process it and absorb it and then go about their day. When I get hurt, I could potentially spiral into a pit of despair that could take weeks to climb out of, so it becomes terrifying to be vulnerable. I become defensive. And when I get defensive, I’m exactly the opposite of the cute little cuddly baby that I am on the inside as my sensitive true self.
When I was a little kid, I watched my mom get her ass beat by a myriad of drunk, pathetic men that she would bring home from various bars and clubs over the years. And when they would attack her, I would put myself in between them to try and protect her, but of course, I was just a child and couldn’t do anything physically to stop them. I’m a small person (only 5’1) and was tiny as a kid… I was completely helpless. So it became that the only way I could protect us both was to learn how to verbally assault people and destroy them from the inside with my words. I’ve always been empathetic, and therefore very observant, and could fuck that person up with the most evil, malevolent barrage of insults with observations about themselves they didn’t even know they knew about themselves. I’d cut deep. I know those fucking scumbags still think about some of the things I said… I know they’re out there somewhere still insecure about some of the calculated, low blows I’d serve up. The wounds from their fists healed on our faces but those insults will live forever in their hideous hearts, so I considered that a win and that’s how I got through those years. It worked for me, it worked for my mom. There were moments I’ll never forget where my mom would be getting punched in the mouth but still able to laugh in their face as she listened to my onslaught of insults obliterating their self-esteem from across the room. Surely this made things worse but it was our only way of winning.
But now, I still do that to this day. If I feel threatened in a way that feels malicious or on purpose, I’ll protect myself at all costs. And in my mind, I’m still that little girl who needs to fight for her life. I sabotage and push away all the good people in my life because I’m too afraid to truly let them in. I want so badly to be soft, I need to let it go and realize if someone hurts me now it’s not life-threatening. I can just move on. I need to find the strength to be vulnerable and I guess that’s going to be my biggest hurdle in life but I’m ready.