Okay, so here’s the basic situation. I’ve been getting fucked up and partying my entire life and have never really dealt with any of the issues that made me try to kill myself every single day of 2020. I smoked my first joint in my friend’s basement with paper we tore out of a bible the summer I turned 13 and never really looked back. That was the summer I tried acid for the first time and realized I didn’t actually have to deal with any of my childhood trauma; I could watch the walls melt instead. I regret absolutely nothing, I’ve had so much fun and would do it all over again if I could, but recently I thought maybe it’s time to at least figure out what made me want the walls to melt in the first place.
But you know what, fuck that. Let’s be honest, I know why I wanted the fucking walls to melt. I was trying to escape from the worst years of my life even though my mind wouldn’t and still won’t let it go, and drugs gave me that escape. I’m done trying to bring those memories up to “deal with them” I don’t want to deal with them anymore, it’s over, and I’m tired of it affecting my life as an adult. So instead, I’m going to try and work backwards instead and fix the symptoms of the mess instead of trying to erase the mess itself.
Here’s the first symptom I want to deal with: I’m a flight risk, constantly. I’ve pushed away every good friend in my life to protect myself from whatever bullshit excuse I have today and honestly, I’m tired of even hearing myself think about it. The plain truth is I’m not a good friend unless I’m there with you in the moment at a party and we’re laughing and I’m a blast, but I won’t call you later. I push everyone good away and ghost everyone until people think I’m fucking dead. Yep, that’s right, people actually hit me up to make sure I’m not dead!!!! What’s wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not dead; I’m vibrant and fun and full of life and love, and I’m tired of living in fear that people are going to hurt me, so I instead hurt them first. Or whatever the fuck I do. I wanna stop doing it.
My plan is to make amends to the people in my life that I’ve been pushing away for all these years and make a commitment to being open and vulnerable with them.
First, I’m going to send them this post with me looking super adorable in the photo so they miss me a little bit and think to themselves, fuck, I wish she was a better friend I really like that bitch. Then, I’m going to get on the actual TELEPHONE and CALL them even though I have the worst phobia of the phone and tell them that I’m sorry. Or if they’d rather text that’s fine too!! Then I will continue to call or text them and keep in touch with them and build better friendships with them than ever before. I will call 1 friend each day until everyone knows I love them again and go from there.
That is my plan. I know there are at least 100 people reading this right now laughing thinking, cool I wonder what day my phone call is hahahahahah…. I’M SORRY I’M GUNNA MAKE IT BETTER I LOVE YOU. xo