I feel numb but not in the dramatic way, more in the way that it actually feels like my brain is physically numb and it’s making me stare at nothing. I’m slumped down in the couch so hard that my ass is sliding off the cushion and my neck is folded in half forcing my chin to dig into my chest and I’m staring at absolutely fucking nothing. I’m comfortable and it’s glorious but I look ridiculous, and my neck might break soon but I can’t fix it or move because I am temporarily dead inside and that’s okay. It just feels like free drugs to me which obviously always sounds lovely.
I am thinking about nothing at all, but somewhere in there I am also thinking about how I am not thinking about anything and that doesn’t make as much sense as it feels like it does. I can hear people but it’s unimportant what they’re saying and when they get frustrated that I’m not listening it matters even less. After some amount of minutes I see them waving their hand at me in frustration and I finally blink and shake my head, snap out of it and come back into the room. I ask them to repeat what they said and the disappointment in their face when they realize they just talked at me for 5 minutes straight and I didn’t hear a fucking word they said is usually worth whatever follows. I think this is called dissociating and I quite like it even though I know I’m not supposed to.
Disassociating kinda feels like you were driving your car a minute ago but then your brain had a chip malfunction and your friends had to unplug you and drive the car for you while you blankly stare out the window at life while it rushes a million miles an hour right passed your face. You see everything flying by but your eyes can’t concentrate on any one thing so they concentrate on nothing at all and you just let the river flow right through you. Like you opened your own personal portal to escape from the constant noise of life just for those few moments. I know it’s a coping mechanism from childhood PTSD blah blah but like all the fucked up disorders I’ve been collecting since I was a kid this one is fun too.
Love always, Kissa Sins
Coyotelovesyou. A Blog by Kissa Sins
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