DIARY Kissa Sins 5132 views


Hello, hi, it’s me again. The person who said they wouldn’t disappear but did… again, like always. And now I’m in the same place, running in the same circle, trying to get my life back on track for the millionth time this year. I forget how to write, I think, so I’m just going to try and force words out and explain how I plan to climb out of my current depression hole.

(Just a fair warning – this entire post might seem like pretty obvious information if you’re a normal, stable person lol. But when you’re drowning in depression, these things aren’t always so obvious, at least for me, so I thought I’d share)

First of all, here’s what I usually do when I’m trying to escape my depression:

I attempt to talk myself out of it
I surround myself with fun people who make me laugh and distract me from it
I overwork myself on whatever project I can hyperfixate on and try to forget about it
I drink and try to party my way out of it
I travel and try to run from it

But as it turns out, these things don’t end up working long-term (LOL I KNOW), and I always end up in the same empty pit of suffering, and I’m tired of it. So, this time, I want to do it… kinda backwards… I want to reverse engineer my depression. Meaning, instead of trying to feel better from the outside in, I’m going to do all the little things I know I should do for my mental health, to instead feel better from the inside out.

I can just picture every normally functioning human being reading this right now thinking, “yeah… no shit” hahaha but whatever, okay, simple basic things seem IMPOSSIBLE when you’re depressed. And as they pile onto each other, it becomes a mountain that seems insurmountable to climb when you feel like you’re already drowning.

The little things I neglect to do each day because they seem like they don’t make a big difference with my mental health are the things I want to target to start. Simple things like drinking enough water, making my bed when I first get up, doing my skincare, meditating, doing yoga, eating a good breakfast, taking my vitamins, etc. When I’m depressed, these things turn into massive chores, and I choose not to do them because they seem menial and stupid… like they won’t really help. And it’s true… making your bed every morning isn’t going to cure your childhood trauma-ridden alcoholic despair; I understand that, BUT it’s a fucking start lol. I think if I make a silly little task list to complete each morning, I could stack 20 little things together that might seem small separately but end up making a huge difference when done together.

Here’s what I’m trying for now:

7am wakeup (no snooze… I’ve read that it’s bad to train your brain so early in the morning that giving up and snoozing is okay and sets a shitty tone for the day)
Daily affirmations (I hate doing these and feel like an idiot talking to myself out loud, but I’m giving it an honest shot. It’s amazing how negative and judgemental we can be to ourselves in our own heads!!)
Skincare + haircare (yes, brushing my hair is even challenging when I’m depressed)
Get ready for the day and put actual clothes on
Make bed
Feed animals
Tidy up the house
15 mins meditation (EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT!! Actually… especially if you don’t feel like it)
Drink protein shake + take vitamins/tinctures
(Should drink 1 litre of water by this time)
15 mins yoga/light stretching
Catch up on emails with coffee
Eat a good breakfast

Okay, so writing that out just made me realize how disabling depression really is… these things don’t seem that hard to do, and they’re not. But when you’re depressed man I dunno shit is rough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve successfully done this three days in a row now, and I can’t tell you how much better I feel. This simple task list took about 1 hour to complete, which is not a lot of time at all, and is the best way I’ve ever started my day. The positive affirmation thing is something I’ve always hated doing, but I’ve caught myself being really negative and mean to myself in my head, and when I instead speak (out loud) what I’m grateful for, it changes my outlook. Hyping myself up has REALLY helped!!

If you’re reading this and you’re depressed like me, and this seems like a lot, just TRY IT. The great thing for me so far is that as soon as I get up, I want to lay back down and hide under the covers, but I just let my brain go on autopilot and follow the list. You don’t even have to think… just keep following the list. And if you don’t feel like meditating TOO FUCKING BAD, just sit there for 15 mins and TRY. That’s the hardest part: forcing yourself to “feel like it” because honestly, as sad bitches, we’re never going to “feel like it” we just have to fake it until we make it for a few days, and hopefully, it gets better and more manageable. JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My next post will be about how I’m quitting Adderall and Xanax and replacing it with supplements, herb tinctures, and being healthy and how it’s actually been working the last three days. I also have a new flexible schedule situation I think I invented I want to share with you too!!

I love you!! WE GOT THIS. Just keep swimming 🙂