THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I know I’m the bad guy, but I really do enjoy my character in the movie of life. Sometimes it’s overwhelming being the villain of my perfect little gated community, but someones gotta do it, and I’m happy it’s me. I couldn’t imagine being the well-behaved normal one getting mad at the fun, awesome, happy one… how fucking boring. I remember the day I moved in… I ruined so many people’s day that day. All the rich, judgemental white people were so pissed when I pulled up in my doorless Jeep Wrangler with my big huge tits and giant pitbull. Angrily peering through their closed-minded windows thinking, “well, there goes the neighborhood.”
Now it’s a year later, and spoiler alert: I’ve gotten so many noise complaints the cops text me warnings now before they come. And everyone in my HOA hates me. It actually used to make me kinda sad because I wanted to have a good relationship with everyone and I tried really hard at first. Until my immediate neighbor called the POLICE on me 2 weeks in because I was watching a fucking movie with my windows open a little too loud at like 10:15pm. THE POLICE!! I didn’t even know it was legal to call the cops for something like that. So now I’m just over it. Now it gives me life to watch them shake their heads in disapproval at all the male pornstars that come through here with dicks down to their knees and my happy ass girlfriends that laugh all day about nothing. I love us.
Taking up space on this planet is really important to me, and making myself smaller or less intense than I am is soul-crushing and I refuse to participate in it. I really am a nice person and I respect other people and everything, but if I wanna get fucked at the top of my lungs in my own house, I’m gonna get fucked at the top of my lungs in my own house. I’m sorry. It’s not like there are kids on this block, mind your business.
And at the end of the day, these stuck-up ass housewives need something to talk about, and I’m happy to oblige!! I mean, sure… sometimes I have a little too much to drink and fill the jacuzzi up with dish soap with the jets on just to see what would happen and flood the entire neighborhood with soapy bubbles at 3am and then me and my girlfriends try to mop it up but just end up making everything worse because we’re laughing hysterically and yes sure maybe we’re topless but I don’t know what to tell you. It’s hard to say for sure why they hate me lol. But guess who has something to talk about at the next HOA meeting!! YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!
I know some of them are silently rooting for me though because I see it when I say hi to certain neighbors I thought hated me. We have these moments sometimes when I see them around where they smile at me in a way that says, “I wish you’d stop so my wife would shut the fuck up about it, but I know you’re cool as fuck and I wish I could come over.”
The real lesson here is don’t unload an entire thing of dish soap in the jacuzzi, it doesn’t end well.