I really have to spend less time convincing other people that I’m worth understanding and more time realizing I’m worth more than having to explain it over and over again. I waste a lot of energy trying to illustrate the enchanting way I see things, or the way my violently excessive feelings feel things, but just now sitting here writing this I have just realized, who the fuck cares. I often feel offended or heartbroken if someone else can’t see the beauty in something, as if that ignorance somehow takes away from the beauty, missing the point entirely that maybe that’s what makes it even more beautiful.
I don’t think I process things the same way as other people. I’m extremely everything… extremely sensitive, extremely passionate, extremely intense. My heart is an empathic nightmare, absorbant and enthusiastic and fucking aggressive but oh so fragile. I’ve been trying so hard to understand humans for all my life but know very well that I’ll always be different, and that’s just something I’m going to have to love about myself but fuck, it gets lonely. I long for something more, something more intense in people in general. Honestly I kinda wish everyone was rolling balls on ecstasy all the time so they could feel me better and we could just hug and understand each other and feel the power of our energy when we embrace. I want someone to notice the vibration of energy pulsating through our veins the way I can feel it. I want someone to look at me in the eyes, but way beyond that, deeper into my fucking soul, I want to speak without speaking to them. I wish someone knew my heart and soul so well they’d understand and protect me at all costs. I want to explore parts of my mind I don’t even know exist yet, I want to learn about every philosophical idea and get stoned and have a bonfire and trip the fuck out about life and just be present.
But as I write a smile starts to curl on my face and chills bloom from the tips of my toes all the way up my spine as I just fucking realize it’s been me all along. I’m literally laughing out loud at this seemingly obvious epiphany. I don’t need anyone to notice what I notice because I’m noticing it all the fucking same. I think I’ve been trying to stay behind with the earthlings… desperately pulling on their sleeves, dragging them through a crowded room to a door we could open together and embark on this dope journey to enlightenment and true happiness. And when no one wants to open that door with me because they’d rather talk about the Kardashians, I feel defeated and pointless and abandon myself to their limits. I hold myself back and stay with everyone else, alone in that same crowded room, but continue to obsess about the light that’s shining around the edges of that door.
It’s time to let go. It’s time to be okay with leaving people behind in that room to talk amongst themselves about all the newest celebrity gossip or latest end of the world scenario and just have the courage to dive deeper within myself. Just because someone’s not there to validate the amazement or go on the journey with you doesn’t mean it’s not available to us anyways. If a bear shits in the woods or whatever it’s still a fucking bear shitting in the woods regardless of who’s there to see it. I need to stop worrying if everyone else thinks meditation and mind-expanding philosophical enlightenment is cool or not and realize deeply that the universe is inside of me and I’m the only one I actually need to convince.