DIARY Kissa Sins 2 years agoJanuary 20, 202216009 views

DRUNK SOBER

Well, I’ve officially been alcohol sober for 32 entire days, and I must say, it’s not as hard as I wish it was. I know that sounds like exactly the opposite of anything logical, and that I should be thankful that it hasn’t been incredibly difficult so far. But this is only the second time I’ve been sober for this long since I was 13 years old… and that’s a long time to drink and fuck up my life if I could have just easily quit this whole time lol.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been THAT easy. I’ve had to take a break from hanging out with my friends who get fucked up all the time (which is all of them haha), and the amount of inner work I’m having to do is quite astonishing. But it’s really been one major realization that’s made my sobriety bearable, and that realization is this:

My completely sober personality is the same as everyone else’s drunk personality.

Let me explain. When I’m totally sober, I still act drunk. I’m weird, loud, eccentric, and I snort when I laugh… and I laugh way too much to snort on top of it. I’m hypersexual, vulgar, and I say exactly what I’m feeling at all times, even at the worst times. I’m too much. I always wanna do crazy shit no one wants to do when they’re sober, and I always wanna get naked. I am drunk, naturally. So if I go to a party and everyone starts sober, my stupid-ass regular personality is already 3 drinks in before I even have a beer.

But here’s the even bigger epiphany. I’ve used alcohol to feel more comfortable around other people my whole life; it’s for sure the biggest reason I ever drink. I never drink alone and don’t feel the need to drink around people I’m super comfortable with. But when I’m in public or in a group setting, I feel awkward and misunderstood when everyone’s sober, so I feel the need to mask my real personality to fit in with everyone else, and I use alcohol to do that. What I haven’t understood this whole time is that it’s never been me that needed to consume the alcohol to feel comfortable. It’s everyone else I wish was drunk so I’d feel normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This realization came to me a few weeks ago when I was at a restaurant for a meeting and I stayed sober while the other person didn’t. When I first got there, I felt panicky and awkward and almost caved and ordered a drink right away but stayed on this stupid fucking sober bullshit. I remained anxious and nervous until THEY had their second or third drink. Then suddenly, they became more laid back, loud, and silly, and I felt less awkward and therefore less judged and didn’t feel the need to mask anymore. It was so relieving.

Once I figured this out everything clicked, and my sobriety became much, much easier. Now I just hang on and wait for everyone else to have a couple of drinks so they can be on my level and I don’t feel weird anymore. The next step I guess is accepting myself completely and not needing anyone to be intoxicated in order to feel normal. I just have to learn how to be comfortable being the weirdest one in the room.

Love always, Kissa Sins