DIARY Kissa Sins 2 years agoJanuary 10, 202212271 views

HITCHCOCK SHOT

I sit and stare blankly at the text message I just got and feel the panic storm brewing in the bottom of my stomach and brace myself for the terror that is now quickly spreading through every vein in my body. Anxiety feels like little caged birds panicking in a steel box inside of your chest, hysterically flapping their wings against its walls trying to escape. My heart is vibrating it’s beating so fast. My whole body freezes except for the racing mind trapped in my skull, and it increasingly feels like Alien is trying to break out of my ribcage. I’m suddenly so obsessed with my own fear that it feels like the whole world is falling away behind me… like I’m the main character in a movie and the background just zoomed out like a Hitchcock Shot.

I try to breathe through it like I know I should, but my heartbeat palpitates like a bass drum destroying a subwoofer and now I’m worried about a heart attack that is definitely not happening. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t breathe. I try to calm myself down with logic and happy thoughts but even when I cut one head off, another one grows back in its place and I’m stuck swimming in the same insane mindless tar of overthinking. My heart feels like it’s sprouted arms and is dragging itself up my throat and I have to keep swallowing it to keep it to stay alive. Everything inside of me is running from the anxiety. And the anxiety gives absolutely no fucks.

The more I resist and try to fix it, the worse it gets. So I give up and just succumb to the idea that the only thing that will save me now is that horrible bitch we all hate: Time. Time will always come for you, even when you don’t want it to. Even when you’re indulging in the best moments of your life that you never want to end, Time will always come and ruin it for you. Usually, this thought hurts my soul. But right now in this burning jail cell of a moment, I find great comfort in the fact that Time will come and take it away, whether I like it or not.

So I tell myself and anyone experiencing anxiety: just hold on baby. Time is a reliable cunt and she’ll be there soon.

Love always, Kissa Sins