DIARY Kissa Sins 3 years agoJanuary 14, 20227352 views

MY FAVORITE DMT TRIP

I sit and stare at the little yellow mountain of drugs piled on the bowl in my bong and panic slightly, as I always do, right before I do DMT. I always know the experience will be way too much to truly understand, and it breaks my heart that I can’t live there in DMT-land, in my newly found enlightenment nest. But even worse, I won’t even be able to properly memorize the infinite wisdom I receive… much like a dream, the complexities of my psychedelic trips usually fade quickly upon return, so I decided to voice-record myself the moment I got back from the trip to preserve what I could.

Please forgive the rambling; this is transcribed from a voice recording. Recorded 2017.

“That was beautiful, fucking beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like that before. I didn’t deserve that beauty. Fuck”

(I am sobbing, laying on my back. The tears are streaming down my face so hard the mattress is wet beneath my face where my tears now lay)

“I was in this infinite galaxy; I don’t know how to explain it, I somehow identified it as all of space and time, I just knew it in my heart. I was in outer fucking space. I recognize a nebula in the distance, a star nursery creating stars and galaxies and millions and billions of infinite solar systems. Do we really still feel important? Our stupid little problems? Have we not seen the stars? We want so badly to feel special in an effort to validate our existence, but miss the point that not being special or unique and instead being connected to everyone and everything at once is the beautiful part.”

I take a two-minute break to cry, then come back.

“I am there. Everything is indescribably beautiful. I regret taping this… it’s wrong to even attempt to translate this into words, then write it down, it’s beyond description it’s beyond language, how can I translate something of this magnitude into words? I will try my best.”

I take a deep breath and continue,

“I let the energy take me. I go closer to the nebula and somehow know that it isn’t just any regular nebula creating a few regular stars, it’s the MAIN nebula creating ALL of the nebulas and all of the stars ever made, it’s like the main office? Fuck, that’s a horrible way to put it. I can’t explain it, no one even told me what it was I could just feel it in my heart. I come closer still, and it’s not this simple because it’s more beautiful than this: but I see a woman.

The woman isn’t just a woman, it was more complex than that, and that’s really not even the word, but that’s as close as I’m going to get to explaining what she was. I come closer and realize I am not coming closer on my own; she is bringing me closer… she wants to show me something. She doesn’t say anything, and there is no verbal communication, but she is showing me through our hearts what she tells me is absorbed into my mind without her having to speak. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is in the shape of a woman but fluid and bright and glowing and made up of colorful lights that are billions of shooting stars, swirling in the shape of a woman. She is transparent, and all you can see are the stars within her with no mask or protection, it’s her essence exposed, totally vulnerable, and perfect. She is the most magnificent thing I will ever see or experience. I just knew it the second I saw her. She is life. She brings me deeper into her nebula, into something that I guess I’d have to describe as a room? But that’s not it. She brings me to an area with a rushing river of light and reaches her hands out into the river, and begins weaving like she’s weaving wool, but the yarn is made up of light. She brings me closer and whispers without whispering, and tells me to sit down. Sit down, she says, you won’t be able to handle it.

She brings me even closer and whispers into my ear, you will not be able to understand the information I am about to give you, but she wants to try. She tells me that human beings will not ever be able to comprehend this information because it was never ours to comprehend. I didn’t design any of you to have the capacity to understand reality, she says. I didn’t think you’d ever search for these answers, you don’t have the space in your head for the boundless knowledge it takes to understand, like a rat in a cage. I could never explain the cage to the rat, he doesn’t have it in him to understand. I don’t think you will be able to grasp this, but I want to try. So you can tell the others of the true beauty of existence, they are missing the point. She brings me closer and shows me what she’s weaving.

I sit down as she tells me to, and I look closer at what she’s weaving, and she takes my hand. Her hand is made up of infinite galaxies it’s just gorgeous, and I am suddenly a fly on the wall and can see myself next to her with my hand in her hand. My eyes are glowing like the sun, reflecting the rushing river of light in front of me. I take a deep breath, widen my eyes, let more light in, and feel fear creeping in for what I’m about to see. I force myself to keep my eyes open, surrender to the moment and start crying.

She takes my hand and my entire existence and puts it into the river of light and then lays me down into the river. Nothing I have ever seen or will see will ever compare to this fucking moment. My heart feels like it stops, and I stop being human. She lowers me into the river, and I see what she’s weaving.

She is weaving consciousness. Fucking consciousness. And I am now swimming in the stream of consciousness of all of the universe, all that there is and ever was. The highway in which she distributes life and consciousness into all of our lives. She is the mother of the universe. She asks me if I can see it. She tells me without telling me that all that really matters is existing and experiencing and that nothing else was ever supposed to matter. I have to say that again: All that really matters is existing, and experience and nothing else was ever supposed to matter!!!!!!!!!!!! She tells me we were never designed to understand. We were only designed to understand beauty. We were just supposed to be art and experience art. We started thinking about things she never expected or wanted us to think about. We started categorizing things and choosing sides of a war that has no basis in reality, we made it all up. We were put on that planet to enjoy life, beauty, and love. You’ve always known that. You are but a beautiful explosion of light in this river, all connected and flowing together. Everything else is a distraction and desperate clinging to facts that aren’t even true, none of you have the capacity to understand the true nature of reality. Stop trying to solve a puzzle that doesn’t need solving and experience the love I send through this river instead. All there is – is beauty. All there is – is life. All there is – is experience and love. LIVE IT.”

She pushes me out. I’m suddenly back in my bed, tears soaking the mattress beneath me. I can’t stop crying. It was hard to record this, to speak after something so life-changing. She changed my entire life.

Love always, Kissa Sins