DIARY Kissa Sins 3 years agoJanuary 10, 202212402 views

NOTHING IS REAL

Anyway I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t take life seriously or why I cannot be fucked to care what anybody else thinks about me. I really don’t understand how anyone can, when we don’t actually understand what the fuck is going on. We want so badly to believe we can fathom how life works, how consciousness and the universe work, but deep down I think we all know we never will. I’m sitting here trying not to squint my eyes and twist my face into another dirty look as someone tries to convince me of their absolute truths about life and how everything works and I can’t help but feel bad for them. How does anyone truly believe they’ve got a realistic grasp on the intricacies of reality itself? Really? What??

I remember the first book about the universe I ever read front to back made me so happy. I’ve always been so obsessed with space I read every word of that book, even the fine print. It indicated that it was published in 1998 and that all the facts in that book were true and accurate so I memorized everything. I lived for years thinking those facts of course had to be true since a fucking astrophysicist with a big fancy brain wrote it, until years later when he came out with a follow up book that blew a hole in my brain and birthed my existential crisis.

The new book was published 5 years later in 2003 and had all new facts that directly contradicted the previous facts in the previous book. But once again, the fine print insisted that THIS book now was for sure correct and oops our bad the last book was all wrong but trust us this new book is definitely more true.

I sat up in bed and stared at the pages in front of me and felt the weight of the entire world closing in on me. I looked at the words and then down at my hands and wondered if they were wrong about everything. It made me realize the obvious – that as we evolve as humans, so does our knowledge and so of course older ideas will eventually be taken over by newer, more evolved ones. But when does it stop? Doesn’t that mean that we are in a perpetual state of being wrong? I felt my lungs rise and fall in my chest and wondered if that was even happening or if I was perhaps in the Matrix this whole time. I look back down at my hands and wonder if consciousness is just another dream state or what the fuck does that even mean? Who am I? What is all of this life shit what the fuck is going on?????

It triggered something irreversible in me that forever forced me to question anything and everything and broke my mind open to the idea that we simply do not have a fucking clue about what’s really happening in life. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I find it quite exciting. But for us to constantly think we are right about everything is fucking dangerous. We make major decisions and even wage wars based on the information we think is true. What if it’s not? We try really fucking hard… we throw all of our smartest people at the wall and hope they stick to something accurate but time after time we prove our own facts wrong as we learn and grow, making the truth very hard to catch. 50 years ago we believed INSANE things about medicine, politics, science, psychology… 100 years ago, 500 years ago… since the beginning of us as humans. We might get close to understanding, but at the end of the day our reality is just the newest scientists ambitious hypothesis we all cling to until it’s eventually replaced by his next book.

Love always, Kissa Sins